What seems like forever ago I popped in to a random camping shop to buy specific bits and bobs and ended up leaving with nothing but a crappy anodised bottle opener. Something I hadn’t even been looking for. You know how it is.
There was nothing special about it – in fact it was just a generic mass-produced hooked alloy thing that you can find anywhere, sporting any one of a number of different brand names. Cheap and cheerless promotional tat
But that little thing, much like my trusty CampingGaz lantern, has been with me throughout much of my lengthy, turbulent life. Always poised and ready for action on my house keys it has opened a handful of bottles for me and loads for Mrs Muz. When not in use, for reasons unknown even to me, it can often be seen hanging from my bottom teeth in a manner that would give my dentist the absolute screaming hab-dabs. So battered is it that it’s lost most of its pretty red anodising and is scratched, scarred and looking very sorry for itself.
But all good things must come to an end and, like my lantern, I’ve traded it in for a newer, sleeker model.
I’d like to introduce you to the PocketToolX Brewzer Keychain Tool.
To all intents and purposes the Brewzer is pretty much like another key, and unlike my alloy thingy, blends in with everything hanging from my ring. Missus. Also unlike my alloy thingy – crucially – it’s flat and doesn’t kick up a fuss when being dragged out of a pocket by snagging on the material.
Another reason this is an upgrade, and not just the whim of a fickle mind, is that the Brewzer also features four other tools that I guarantee I’ll never, ever use. But they’re there just in case I need to forget I have them.
Apart from its main function there’s a flathead screwdriver at the end and a ¼“ hex socket in the crook of the bottle opener bit. If you didn’t look closer and open your mind you’d be right in thinking that that’s only three tools, but there’s a shallow blunt notch in the screwdriver which supposedly serves as a parcel/box opener. That’s four. But where’s the last one?
Well… er… the flathead screwdriver is also a pry. Apparently. Presumably for popping open tiny pots of Airfix paint for your model Spitfire.
It’s all a bit of a stretch, to be honest, but the chap who designed this was obviously given a specific brief (“we want FIVE tools, serf!”) and has done well in reinventing the Emperor’s new clothes – and getting away with it too.
The Brewzer is dulled stainless steel, a little less than 2.5” long and about the weight of two keys. It’s pretty invisible as a result, which is ideal for camouflaging itself among your keys, and is there for whenever you need it. If you compare its RRP of $15 (about a tenner) to a quid or two for my old alloy one you might think it’s a bit pricey, but the Brewzer is much more manly and doesn’t look like it fell out of a free goody bag along with a transparent ballpoint pen, a branded balloon and a lollipop.
SUMMARY: It’s a bottle opener.